I Wept... Actually I Still Weep

I am astounded by how much the loss of my father still affects me after all these years.  I was driving back from a work training when I heard an announcer on the radio talking about some wedding package give away. I didn’t hear much of what she said, but it sounded intriguing enough that it got me thinking. December this year my wife and I will celebrate our ten year anniversary (It’s hard to believe it been anywhere near that long).  We talked a lot early on about doing a vow renewal at ten years. So, I thought… Hmmm. Some wedding package giveaway… that could come in handy. And then I started thinking about the where and the how and the who… Who would we have perform the ceremony.  We could see if the original pastor could do it….

And you see, that’s when it hit me. I MISS my dad.  I miss him in a way there aren’t words for.

When my wife and I got married we had a dual minister wedding. Our old pastor… and my dad (who was the associate pastor of the church we attended at the time).

You see… we can’t have the original pastor do it… at least not both of them.  Three months after co-performing our wedding ceremony my father died from what I’ll call “complications in his cancer treatment”. Long story, but suffice it to say… he’s gone.

As I drove, that thought struck with a renewed weight. It was like I’d just heard he was gone for the first time; only worse because I didn’t have the numbing shock of discovery to dull the pain.

He is gone.

My body convulsed at the thought. My breath shuddered. I winced from the emotion. A moment later I made the decision to pull over and let those feelings run. I turned a corner, stopped the car, and wept.  I wept for the loss of my father. I wept for the selfishness that robbed me of time with him for most of his last year. I wept for the first half of my years when he was alive that we had no relationship. I wept for hidden fears that somehow I could have helped him so those complications would not have arisen. I wept for the past. I wept that my daughter will not know my father. And I wept that my heart is so torn between selfishness and Godliness.

Though he spent his fair share of years on the selfish side of things, my Father ended his life much farther on the Godly side. And I long for the same.

One wave of emotion followed another and it felt gutwrenchingly... good to let those emotions out. I Miss my dad. I always will. I don’t know that time actually heals all wounds. I think that might be someone’s made up hogwash.

Time seems to only clarify this wound. I see it in starker contrast as time goes by. I am grateful to God for the father he gave me, and I’m grateful for the latter half of my years when dad was alive. He was a great father and good friend.

I love you, Pop. It’s been almost nine years. I wish I could see you. I wish you were here to speak some of your direct and folksy wisdom to me. I wish I could give you another hug, and apologize for being so unavailable that last year. But, under all that I wish I could look you in the eye and thank you for showing me what a good father, what a good man, looks like.

I know one day I will be able to thank you face to face. By then I pray my child (or children) will feel about me the way I do about you.

You were, and forever are… the best.

I thank God for you.

Geno

An Adventure Worth Sharing

“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure…”

Powerful words… spoken by Gandalf in the trailer for The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey (which is coming out this December, and I wish it was sooner.)

The words didn't really strike me at first, but something in this trailer stirred me. Yes… it looks to be awesome—beyond possibly the other three films—but that wasn’t it.

I downloaded the video and watched it a few times and nearly every time I got chills.  I thought it was just the dwarves’ song of the Misty Mountains (which is amazing and stirring in its own right), but it was still something more.

Bilbo replies that he is, “…a Baggins, of Bag End.” He is especially convinced of the of Bag End bit. It is his identity, and he “can’t” go traipsing off on some adventure.

How often am I like that?

Bilbo is being invited to discover there is more to him than he’s aware. That he is capable of taking the adventure he’s called to—head on—and going there and back again.

Later in the preview he asks Gandalf, “Can you promise I will come back?”

Gandalf says, “No… and if you do, you will not be the same.”

Over and over this movie trailer stirred me.  So much that I pulled the audio from the video and set it to repeat on my work computer. With my headphones plugged in and laying on the desk, I worked my usual day. At whiles I’d feel the desire to hear that song again. So I’d pick up an earbud and pop it in.

“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure…”

Those were the first words to greet my ear. I didn’t really think about it. I was waiting for the snippit of song to begin. I listened, enjoyed it, and set the earbud back down.  Later I put the earbud in again.

“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure…”

Funny that’s the exact place it was last time I put this earpiece in.

Later. I want to hear that song.

(Still on repeat) Earbud in:

“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure…”

And later. Earbud in…

“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure…”

About that time I heard it. I’d been hearing it… but suddenly I heard it...

“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure…”

What are the odds of that phrase being the first to my ears each time? It was uncanny.

God speaks in whatever way we’ll hear. That day it was in the voice of Ian Mckellen, as Gandalf.

“I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure… that someone is you.  Share it with me…”

But I’m a Baggins of Bag End. I’m just what I am. I’m not strong enough for adventure, or worthy of adventure, or prepared for it even.

Still… “I’m looking for someone to share in an adventure…”

Over the subsequent day’s God’s been inviting me into a more real life than I’ve been living. I’m afraid that at this point—much like Bilbo in the beginning of the story—I’m not very good at it… and I’m a little whiny. But, I’m encouraged. I see the challenging road ahead and I know that God is bringing me There and Back Again.

And, like Gandalf said, “…if you do you will not be the same.”

Bilbo Baggins returned a changed Hobbit, a stronger Hobbit, a Hobbit who knew who he was and what he was capable of—of being an adventurer, taking life’s trials head on, and succeeding in what he was called to do.

I’m taking this adventure wherever God takes me… even if it’s “Far over the Misty Mountains cold, to dungeons deep and caverns old.” Or to a cave with a dragon, or to a different home, or job or… whatever he calls me to.

And when I have reached the goal… I will not be the same. And that is a comforting thought (to me.)

If he’s calling you to an adventure, say yes. There’s no guarantee of safety, but it is guaranteed to be good.

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On an "authorly" note, if you haven't had a chance to read my "How to be a Hero" short story, here's the link:
     How to Be a Hero - Amazon


And, here is a link to another short story I wrote for Lulu.com's NaNoWriMo Short Story Contest.  It's only 600 words and it should be free if the issues Lulu was having are fixed.  Either way, I think it's worth it.  (a very different style than my usual, but I enjoyed writing it, so hopefully you'll enjoy it as well.)
     The PENN - Lulu.com



Thanks for reading!

Geno