Timbri Bay - Battles I Face

I was trying to decide what to write about today, and I recalled a poem that I wrote several months back that I haven't posted, so I'll be posting it here momentarily. (By the time you read this, it will already be posted.)

The first half of this poem just poured out of me one day when I was walking oblivious to any pitfalls or danger, and feeling very much impervious to failure.  The second half I wrote later that day when I found I had fallen short of being who I hoped to be that day.  My current hope and prayer is that I'll stay the first guy moving forward. (side note... this poem may find its way into a later Treasures of Darkness ~ Treasures of Light story. Having been written---as my imagination sees it---by Melfall the Woodsman.)

Enjoy.

Timbri Bay -By Geno Allen

I leapt into the jaws of death,
And strangely there did I find rest,
But not the rest long slept in peace,
You see my Lord yet had good plans for me.

A villain sought to strike my heart,
But by my Master's perfect art,
The villain's hand was stayed that day,
When I went to battle near Timbri bay.

Another plunged into the strife,
A villain swiftly took his life,
What difference was ‘tween he and I,
That I should so live and he should so die?

I pondered this deep in my heart,
And wondered at his failing part.
A question rose to me that day,
Why did I choose to leap into the fray?

I thought it out and answered right.
“My Lord did call me out to fight.”
Another question yet remained,
Why leapt that man to fight near Timbri bay?

The answer there I do not know,
But this I’ll share before I go;
It is death's jaws of which I speak…
Before choosing one’s course one first must seek.

****************

Simply put, I'm both guys... but I strive to be guy number one. I'd write more, but I'm sleepy.

God, please help me be guy number one... I very much appreciate it!

Geno

Brothers in Arms

“A band of Brothers… Brothers in Arms.

That is what I long for. Men who know the strength of standing on faith in God. Men who bolster my faith when it is failing… whose faith I can bolster in turn.  Men who stand—together. Unashamed. Men who need not be ashamed, for they have fought the good fight. I do not wish to live (or die) a coward. Someone who simply fell before the onslaught of his enemies.  I will not live to be a man who neglects his God.  Not simply “his god”… but, God… The God.  The Father of Christ Jesus. I will stand for Him. That God. The Only True God. But I cannot stand alone.

I need a Band of Brothers… Brothers in Arms… Ones who take up the sword of prayer on my behalf. Ones who I can stand for when their enemy seeks to suppress them.  Men with the call of God on their lives. Who daily (or by moment) give God his Glory and Due Praise.  Men who encourage me to do the same.  Men who may see the fear in my eyes—the fear that would seek to take the very heart of me—but do not scorn it. Rather they take up the challenge of lifting my heart up to God. And men who pass the challenge on to me… to lift my own heart as well… to seek my God… so in my times of battle, and in their times of need, I can stand strong. So in their time of Battle I have a mind sound enough to do the same for them.

I need a heart for brotherhood… and men with hearts the same. Not the simple friendship born of simple interaction wherein little of merit passes between myself and they.  I need Brothers, Fathers, Friends… of the intimate bond that only comes from facing down our enemies and fighting side by side; when we stand and face a common foe… and know that God is on our side—but not just God (though in truth he is enough) also our Band of Brothers… our Brothers in Arms.  They that know our hearts… that have seen our fears, our failures, but stand and love us just the same—no. Love us all the more—who see us in the wearying moments that creep upon us wherein we feel we cannot stand. Who see us truly in those moments and hold us up, reminding us to seek first our God for victory in battle. Men who glory in our salvation… who glory in our God… who stand with us… And who, as brothers aught to, will heft us up upon their shoulders when victory is won.

I need a Band of Brothers… Brother in Arms.”

This was my heart's cry a while back. I passed it on to a few friends who I felt could understand.  And it dawned on me... This is really every man's heart cry (especially if they are a Christian, but even those who aren't Christian, though they may word it somewhat differently.) We may be suck at building these kinds of relationships, but it is what we need.  No matter what. 

So this little blog post rings out as a challenge to myself and others:

Build a Band of Brothers, Brother's in Arms.

I have stood firm in more of my battles since that call went out... and it is largely because Brothers answered the call.... and I was (mostly) unafraid to call out for help in my times of struggle.

God is good... and he is the one who placed that longing in us. 

Thanks for that, God.  You're awesome, and I love you!

Yours Alway,

Geno

Whoa... Life

Like a good horse would, I wish life would slow down when you say, "Whoa!"

Friends, Family, Loved Ones all have so much speeding them along life's course, and I'm no different.  I feel the same tug pulling at me.  A million miles an hour seems pretty tame compared how my emotions run recently.

But I'm trying to find a little rest.

Sometimes my desire to help those around me is overwhelmed by my utter need to rest... to stop and listen to the actual turnings of my heart.

It can be so hard to do... especially when I'm afraid of pain I'm bound to find there.

But...

Listen I must...and—with God's help—Listen I will.

God?  Please help me listen.  Thanks for always walking with me.

Love,

Geno

Inexpressible

My Child


Who would you have looked most like, my child?
Would I have seen, her or me, my dad or hers, if I had seen you smile?

Wavy blonde—or hidden curls of brown—that only length would show?
The answers to these questions, now only heaven knows,

And that is where you are, I’m sure my child, and it leaves me wondering,
Will you grow? Will I know you, when at last I step upon that scene?

I would have held you, loved you, kept you, safe and sound and sure,
I guess you’re better off my child, than in this world in which you were,

Known for so short a time, though deeply loved by your mom and I.
You left so soon, we didn’t get to say hello, before we had to say goodbye.

But…

There you have a Father, greater than I could have hoped to be.
His love it is the greatest, for He is Love, and Lord, and King.

Enjoy his presence as I wish I could, till we meet on that day,
When your mom and I embrace our kids who never saw the darkness of these days.

Though, I wish that we had met, and I miss you more than I can feel…
I do thank God that he kept you safe, and await the day that he will peel,

Back the veil between us all and we will finally meet—
Who would you have looked most like, my child? I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I love you.

Love,

Your Dad

So... The World Likes To Blow Up

Another re-post:

So... the world likes to blow up
And I have a history of running and hiding from it.

I realized part of why today.  A good friend called me and asked me how I was feeling (you see my Grandpa Passed away—and he was a great man.)  I told my friend something that shocked him.  That I didn't feel much because I’m bad at the … wait no... I said,“I suck at the whole emotions thing.”  He said I was better at it than him.

He’s a good friend that I don’t get to see enough. And from the conversation I actually got in touch with some of my emotions—from losing my dad 6 years ago (still not fully grieved on that) losing my baby last year, and now losing my grandpa this week.

I’ve known that God wants to walk me through some painful things (emotions I’ve stuffed in all of those situations—maybe more), but as much as I trust Him… I don’t trust Him.

I found out part of why today.  I’m lonely.  I am almost never alone… but I am often lonely.  Not lonely like, “Aw gee I wish someone would hang out with me”, but lonely in the sense that my life lacks the deep heart and soul connected friendships that I used to enjoy in the early years of ministry.

Yes I said ministry… I (although am mostly on sabbatical at the moment) am a minister (of sorts—I don’t have the degree, but I’ve done various aspects of ministry for more than half my life now… I’m what's called a “lay-minister” dumb word if you ask me.)

I’m afraid to feel what I need to be able to feel if I am to connect with God the way he wants.  And I'm afraid, because somehow I fear that “Just God and me” isn’t enough for me to survive the painful emotions I’ve hidden from myself.

God… The Alpha and Omega (that means beginning and end of all things)… Creator of… well… Everything and me.  And somehow I don't feel that's enough to deal with my personal emotions.... really?

Somehow another person can make me feel safer in feeling my emotions.

I think somewhere along the way my head got messed up in that arena.  But …

There it is… I’m lonely for someone—and really for a male friend—to support me… to be strength when I lack it.  And the religious answer is:  I’m looking for Jesus.

I think it’s more than just the religious answer… it’s the fact.  But just as some people say we’re supposed to be “Jesus with skin on” for others, it’s been a while since someone has been the “Jesus with skin on” for me.  I could really use that right about now.

In lieu of that, I’m asking God to help me have the strength to just trust him… to trust him as I used to (or preferably even better.)

God,

I choose to trust you.  Help me feel again… help me feel all I need to feel.  Help me trust you to be enough for me—as the song says, “More than all I want more than all I need, you are more than enough for me”

Please lead me back to the place where you are “more than enough for me.”

And when the time is right and I can trust you again, please let me have another “Jesus with skin on.” They're really pretty helpful. :o)

I love you God, and you are my God (through it all)

Of Lobsters and Things Obscure

Okay so there aren't any lobsters to mention in this post except the word lobster... i just like it. its funny to speak... say it with me lobster. ... Lob-ster.  Okay enough of that. This is another re-post from an earlier blog that has gone away.  I just felt like sharing.

Usually I try to post something deep and meaningful in this blog, but though the lobster may be deep (in the ocean) it is not particularly meaningful... so on to what I'm really writing about.

*******

Character is plot. Or so the saying goes among writers and writing instructors.  But it’s more than a saying.  It is a fundamental truth woven into the fabric of life, by God himself.  Some time back I had a failure in my life and discovered this un-posted blog I wrote about it when not attached to the internet. So, I will share it here today.

I was sad and hadn’t dealt with the causes of my sadness (which at the time were many).  I allowed my old coping mechanisms to take back over.  That is not a revelation in itself.  But as I said:

Character is plot and plot is character.   The plot of my story is determined by the character... of this Character that I am.  Just as, in writing, it's the fears and desires that motivate a character to action, and those actions in turn create the plot, I’ve been allowing my fears and desires to build a certain character in this character that I am.  And that character has been creating the plot of my life.  [That day] the plot of my tale took a negative turn.  There was something in my character that allowed that turn. And I ask God to reveal what it is in my character that must change. And I pray that He'll will walk me past my defects of character and help me to live from His Godly character. As the Character He would write me to be. I ask for that help, that deliverance and re-direction, in Jesus’ Name.

Great life questions:
If Character is Plot, what sort of character are you going to be?  

What sort of story do you want to live?

I’m sure this somehow relates to Romans 7 or 8 or something.
So that's it... I thought it worth sharing.

God, You're good---bottom line... in every way and all the time.

Like waves come to the shore and recede again, God approaches us.

Re-posted from an earlier blog February, 2011:

Like waves come to the shore and recede again, God approaches us. 

It’s an odd concept, but I think it’s true.  Imagine conversing with someone you enjoy talking with… you may talk for an hour, three hours, nine hours… or however many hours, but at one point no matter how much you love the person, you need (or want) to move on. The conversation must end (for a time.) You want to be able to act on some of what was discussed, or at the very least ponder it in your heart.

For healthy relationship, there must come a point where you are able to step back and ponder.  

That moment comes when the wave recedes. If the waves just kept coming and never receded, you would never have the moment to pause and ponder… to ponder the magnificence of God, the presence of God (if you always felt His presence, you may not recognize it was there, but one little break from it and instantly you feel that something’s missing), also you would never experience erosion.

Water sweeps in and sweeps out. When it goes out it cleanses the shore of debris (and literally takes a bit of shore with it.) if you think of us as the shore… it’s like He takes away the debris (the junk in our lives) and slowly erodes the unhealthy bits of us… ultimately shrinking the shore and leaving more water… making us more like Him. And that is a beautiful thing.

As the wave rolls back out, that is the pause in our conversation.

We may feel the water has left us. We may suddenly feel alone, but it’s a natural part of what God is doing.  Sometimes He seems silent or distant merely because the wave is rolling out… giving us a rest from the overwhelming onslaught of His presence… He’s willing to flood us, to roll in and just keep covering our shore and all the land that lies beyond, but—even for all our big talk of wanting to submit to Him and His will for our lives—we are typically afraid and don’t really want it.  God is a gentleman in His approach to us.  He won’t barge in and take over… He won’t simply flood our lives if we don't want Him, but He won’t stop working in and on our hearts either… And in that way He is as relentless as the sea with its waves ever lapping at our shore.

Sometimes when the time is right (and only He can read our hearts well enough to know when that is) He sends a storm our way and the waves strike harder, more fiercely, eroding more, covering more of the shore. It may be a fearful thing for us, but in those times God is seizing an opportunity to show us more of himself.  Have you ever watched the power and majesty of a storm-driven wave striking land. It’s fierce, but it is beautiful.

And that is our God… fierce and beautiful. With a heart so kind as to only send the storms when we can truly survive them. With a desire to send us a flood that will keep the conversation going on joyfully forever, but gentle and gentlemanly enough to wait until our hearts can truly take it.

I want that conversation to go on forever… I want the flood. Yet even as I write that I know… there is currently a lot of debris on my shore.  I fear—fear is just another bit of debris—the flood would drive the debris from my shore further inland and pride, or selfishness, or any number of other bits of debris would keep me from really letting the conversation flow as God desires it too. He knows my heart far better than I. So, He keeps coming… in and out… wave after crashing wave… driving further inland, and sweeping out to sea again, pulling back the things that keep my shores from being as pristine as He intends them to be… the things that keep me from seeing Him as the loving, kind, powerful-yet-gentle, wondrous, magnificent, and trustworthy God He is.

How great God is to be both relentless and loving, both forceful and self-controlled… To love me enough to never stop coming my way, but to give me those times where He recedes a bit so I can feel what it would be like without Him and be reminded of how much I look forward to the day when He comes in like a flood and our conversation never ends.

Thank You God... for who You are and how You interact with us so masterfully. 

I love You always.