Man on a Corner

I was struck in my heart today… but before I can explain it, let me set a mental stage. 

It starts with this word: Panhandler (or even possibly homeless)

You may have noticed there are those who sit, almost smugly, on a particular street corner and beg for money—every day. I find myself very not inclined to give them money. Perhaps it’s a sense that if they were really trying to do something about their situation, really trying to build a life—instead of just inhabiting one—they wouldn’t be there every day, begging... more like expecting. 

Then there are those others… the guys I’ll gladly give my money to. You often see them in more metropolitan areas. They’ll rush out—with Windex and paper towels in hand—when you’re stopped at a long light, and they’ll ask if they can wash your window in exchange for a dime or two. I’ve had a pretty stellar window washing by one of those guys. I wondered, how did he do that so fast? I would have taken twice as long as the light was red. Yet he completed a great job in time for me to pay him, allowing him to get out of the street before the light even changed. Like I said, I gladly give money to those guys. They’re offering something. They understand giving. Yes… giving to get, but their approach doesn’t seem selfish to me—just focused.

Today I saw a man sitting on the corner. I’d never seen him before, and looking at him, I could see he wasn’t sitting there because he expected something, but he wasn’t offering anything either. He wasn't offering anything because he didn’t feel he had anything to offer. Short on hope, panhandling was his only option. That's how he seemed and how I regarded him—how I’ll remember him. He had a sign. It simply read: 

I Need.

I read it, and involuntarily said, “You and me both, Buddy."

I sensed his desperation, and it roused a similar desperation in me. I didn’t stop. I felt I had nothing to offer him. 

As I passed by I whispered my apology to the air. Then I thought I have so much—meaning so much stuff—in essence I’m rich (but not in dollars), yet I have almost nothing to give... at this time in my life definitely no money to give. I thought of how unimportant so many of the things I own are. And how I just needed… this, or just needed to do… that. How so much of what I own serves no valuable purpose. I have a friend who is selling his PS3 to try to buy something more useful. When I asked him why he bought it originally. He paused and said, "To say I had a PS3." He shook his head and added, "It seems so stupid... when I say it out loud." I told him, "Yeah... it does, but a lot of people wouldn't have been that honest." 

Sure his PS3 was a waste, but I’ve wasted much too. If I hadn’t, I would have been able to give more, help more, provide for others more often. I feel badly that I didn’t even try to encourage the man on the corner. 

That was a moment when my own—self induced—desperation struck me. I Need. 

Yes, I need money just like everyone, and frankly need it badly now, but... I Need.

I Need... to be more giving.

I Need... to be less taking.

I Need... to be the man I long to be; who cares for others most; who lives a life of humble service; who asks what can I give? (even if the giving gets me something... am I giving with that intent?) am I living a life I would be proud to share with others...? to say this is how you should live?

I Need... to encourage others... and I will... I can... I have the ability to succeed written into my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual DNA. I just have to keep that in mind.

So to you who might be like me: Think about the man whose sign read “I Need” (send a prayer up for him) and ask yourself—as I’m now doing—even while I need, how can I be better prepared to give?

To you who have it down better than I. Keep it up. The world needs you, and guys like me do finally get a clue.

For this moment this is what I have to give….

Geno

A Man I Know

There’s a man I know who’s also my friend

One of the dearest I’ve had since God knows when

He reminds me of dad and somewhat of me

I hope to be like both of them equally

He has a good heart and he is unafraid

To look at his life and call a spade a spade

And to look at me and do the same

Sometimes things he says are epic in scope

Like a lifeline thrown or a spiritual rope

That reaches into the struggles I face

And reminds me of both God’s correction and grace

I’ve placed him in precarious positions at times

When not taking or calling for a needed lifeline

Amazingly he’s still a friend of mine

I can’t find the words to say how much he means

Even when I’ve made him face difficult things

That leave him in the place of being God’s hammer

In my life—which is not a position of glamour

Nor is it a position that he likes to fill

But one he handles with grace and skill

Even if it’s against his will

I’m grateful for his willingness—saddened by the need

That would not have come if I had emptied

Myself of my self and given not taken

But the time is now here that I have awakened

And my friend as God’s hammer helped that to be

Where it goes from here? God knows and we’ll see

My friend was an excellent friend to me

For letting him down and driving him there

I can’t find the words, as a friend he is rare

I’m sorry feels weak, for so heartfelt a friend

But I am and I pray that what’s broken will mend

This man I know is a mentor to me

And as a friend most faithful is he

And as close to what God intended true man to be

As I may ever see

Timbri Bay - Battles I Face

I was trying to decide what to write about today, and I recalled a poem that I wrote several months back that I haven't posted, so I'll be posting it here momentarily. (By the time you read this, it will already be posted.)

The first half of this poem just poured out of me one day when I was walking oblivious to any pitfalls or danger, and feeling very much impervious to failure.  The second half I wrote later that day when I found I had fallen short of being who I hoped to be that day.  My current hope and prayer is that I'll stay the first guy moving forward. (side note... this poem may find its way into a later Treasures of Darkness ~ Treasures of Light story. Having been written---as my imagination sees it---by Melfall the Woodsman.)

Enjoy.

Timbri Bay -By Geno Allen

I leapt into the jaws of death,
And strangely there did I find rest,
But not the rest long slept in peace,
You see my Lord yet had good plans for me.

A villain sought to strike my heart,
But by my Master's perfect art,
The villain's hand was stayed that day,
When I went to battle near Timbri bay.

Another plunged into the strife,
A villain swiftly took his life,
What difference was ‘tween he and I,
That I should so live and he should so die?

I pondered this deep in my heart,
And wondered at his failing part.
A question rose to me that day,
Why did I choose to leap into the fray?

I thought it out and answered right.
“My Lord did call me out to fight.”
Another question yet remained,
Why leapt that man to fight near Timbri bay?

The answer there I do not know,
But this I’ll share before I go;
It is death's jaws of which I speak…
Before choosing one’s course one first must seek.

****************

Simply put, I'm both guys... but I strive to be guy number one. I'd write more, but I'm sleepy.

God, please help me be guy number one... I very much appreciate it!

Geno

Brothers in Arms

“A band of Brothers… Brothers in Arms.

That is what I long for. Men who know the strength of standing on faith in God. Men who bolster my faith when it is failing… whose faith I can bolster in turn.  Men who stand—together. Unashamed. Men who need not be ashamed, for they have fought the good fight. I do not wish to live (or die) a coward. Someone who simply fell before the onslaught of his enemies.  I will not live to be a man who neglects his God.  Not simply “his god”… but, God… The God.  The Father of Christ Jesus. I will stand for Him. That God. The Only True God. But I cannot stand alone.

I need a Band of Brothers… Brothers in Arms… Ones who take up the sword of prayer on my behalf. Ones who I can stand for when their enemy seeks to suppress them.  Men with the call of God on their lives. Who daily (or by moment) give God his Glory and Due Praise.  Men who encourage me to do the same.  Men who may see the fear in my eyes—the fear that would seek to take the very heart of me—but do not scorn it. Rather they take up the challenge of lifting my heart up to God. And men who pass the challenge on to me… to lift my own heart as well… to seek my God… so in my times of battle, and in their times of need, I can stand strong. So in their time of Battle I have a mind sound enough to do the same for them.

I need a heart for brotherhood… and men with hearts the same. Not the simple friendship born of simple interaction wherein little of merit passes between myself and they.  I need Brothers, Fathers, Friends… of the intimate bond that only comes from facing down our enemies and fighting side by side; when we stand and face a common foe… and know that God is on our side—but not just God (though in truth he is enough) also our Band of Brothers… our Brothers in Arms.  They that know our hearts… that have seen our fears, our failures, but stand and love us just the same—no. Love us all the more—who see us in the wearying moments that creep upon us wherein we feel we cannot stand. Who see us truly in those moments and hold us up, reminding us to seek first our God for victory in battle. Men who glory in our salvation… who glory in our God… who stand with us… And who, as brothers aught to, will heft us up upon their shoulders when victory is won.

I need a Band of Brothers… Brother in Arms.”

This was my heart's cry a while back. I passed it on to a few friends who I felt could understand.  And it dawned on me... This is really every man's heart cry (especially if they are a Christian, but even those who aren't Christian, though they may word it somewhat differently.) We may be suck at building these kinds of relationships, but it is what we need.  No matter what. 

So this little blog post rings out as a challenge to myself and others:

Build a Band of Brothers, Brother's in Arms.

I have stood firm in more of my battles since that call went out... and it is largely because Brothers answered the call.... and I was (mostly) unafraid to call out for help in my times of struggle.

God is good... and he is the one who placed that longing in us. 

Thanks for that, God.  You're awesome, and I love you!

Yours Alway,

Geno

Whoa... Life

Like a good horse would, I wish life would slow down when you say, "Whoa!"

Friends, Family, Loved Ones all have so much speeding them along life's course, and I'm no different.  I feel the same tug pulling at me.  A million miles an hour seems pretty tame compared how my emotions run recently.

But I'm trying to find a little rest.

Sometimes my desire to help those around me is overwhelmed by my utter need to rest... to stop and listen to the actual turnings of my heart.

It can be so hard to do... especially when I'm afraid of pain I'm bound to find there.

But...

Listen I must...and—with God's help—Listen I will.

God?  Please help me listen.  Thanks for always walking with me.

Love,

Geno

Inexpressible

My Child


Who would you have looked most like, my child?
Would I have seen, her or me, my dad or hers, if I had seen you smile?

Wavy blonde—or hidden curls of brown—that only length would show?
The answers to these questions, now only heaven knows,

And that is where you are, I’m sure my child, and it leaves me wondering,
Will you grow? Will I know you, when at last I step upon that scene?

I would have held you, loved you, kept you, safe and sound and sure,
I guess you’re better off my child, than in this world in which you were,

Known for so short a time, though deeply loved by your mom and I.
You left so soon, we didn’t get to say hello, before we had to say goodbye.

But…

There you have a Father, greater than I could have hoped to be.
His love it is the greatest, for He is Love, and Lord, and King.

Enjoy his presence as I wish I could, till we meet on that day,
When your mom and I embrace our kids who never saw the darkness of these days.

Though, I wish that we had met, and I miss you more than I can feel…
I do thank God that he kept you safe, and await the day that he will peel,

Back the veil between us all and we will finally meet—
Who would you have looked most like, my child? I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I love you.

Love,

Your Dad

So... The World Likes To Blow Up

Another re-post:

So... the world likes to blow up
And I have a history of running and hiding from it.

I realized part of why today.  A good friend called me and asked me how I was feeling (you see my Grandpa Passed away—and he was a great man.)  I told my friend something that shocked him.  That I didn't feel much because I’m bad at the … wait no... I said,“I suck at the whole emotions thing.”  He said I was better at it than him.

He’s a good friend that I don’t get to see enough. And from the conversation I actually got in touch with some of my emotions—from losing my dad 6 years ago (still not fully grieved on that) losing my baby last year, and now losing my grandpa this week.

I’ve known that God wants to walk me through some painful things (emotions I’ve stuffed in all of those situations—maybe more), but as much as I trust Him… I don’t trust Him.

I found out part of why today.  I’m lonely.  I am almost never alone… but I am often lonely.  Not lonely like, “Aw gee I wish someone would hang out with me”, but lonely in the sense that my life lacks the deep heart and soul connected friendships that I used to enjoy in the early years of ministry.

Yes I said ministry… I (although am mostly on sabbatical at the moment) am a minister (of sorts—I don’t have the degree, but I’ve done various aspects of ministry for more than half my life now… I’m what's called a “lay-minister” dumb word if you ask me.)

I’m afraid to feel what I need to be able to feel if I am to connect with God the way he wants.  And I'm afraid, because somehow I fear that “Just God and me” isn’t enough for me to survive the painful emotions I’ve hidden from myself.

God… The Alpha and Omega (that means beginning and end of all things)… Creator of… well… Everything and me.  And somehow I don't feel that's enough to deal with my personal emotions.... really?

Somehow another person can make me feel safer in feeling my emotions.

I think somewhere along the way my head got messed up in that arena.  But …

There it is… I’m lonely for someone—and really for a male friend—to support me… to be strength when I lack it.  And the religious answer is:  I’m looking for Jesus.

I think it’s more than just the religious answer… it’s the fact.  But just as some people say we’re supposed to be “Jesus with skin on” for others, it’s been a while since someone has been the “Jesus with skin on” for me.  I could really use that right about now.

In lieu of that, I’m asking God to help me have the strength to just trust him… to trust him as I used to (or preferably even better.)

God,

I choose to trust you.  Help me feel again… help me feel all I need to feel.  Help me trust you to be enough for me—as the song says, “More than all I want more than all I need, you are more than enough for me”

Please lead me back to the place where you are “more than enough for me.”

And when the time is right and I can trust you again, please let me have another “Jesus with skin on.” They're really pretty helpful. :o)

I love you God, and you are my God (through it all)