Saturday, May 21, 2011

So... The World Likes To Blow Up

Another re-post:

So... the world likes to blow up
And I have a history of running and hiding from it.

I realized part of why today.  A good friend called me and asked me how I was feeling (you see my Grandpa Passed away—and he was a great man.)  I told my friend something that shocked him.  That I didn't feel much because I’m bad at the … wait no... I said,“I suck at the whole emotions thing.”  He said I was better at it than him.

He’s a good friend that I don’t get to see enough. And from the conversation I actually got in touch with some of my emotions—from losing my dad 6 years ago (still not fully grieved on that) losing my baby last year, and now losing my grandpa this week.

I’ve known that God wants to walk me through some painful things (emotions I’ve stuffed in all of those situations—maybe more), but as much as I trust Him… I don’t trust Him.

I found out part of why today.  I’m lonely.  I am almost never alone… but I am often lonely.  Not lonely like, “Aw gee I wish someone would hang out with me”, but lonely in the sense that my life lacks the deep heart and soul connected friendships that I used to enjoy in the early years of ministry.

Yes I said ministry… I (although am mostly on sabbatical at the moment) am a minister (of sorts—I don’t have the degree, but I’ve done various aspects of ministry for more than half my life now… I’m what's called a “lay-minister” dumb word if you ask me.)

I’m afraid to feel what I need to be able to feel if I am to connect with God the way he wants.  And I'm afraid, because somehow I fear that “Just God and me” isn’t enough for me to survive the painful emotions I’ve hidden from myself.

God… The Alpha and Omega (that means beginning and end of all things)… Creator of… well… Everything and me.  And somehow I don't feel that's enough to deal with my personal emotions.... really?

Somehow another person can make me feel safer in feeling my emotions.

I think somewhere along the way my head got messed up in that arena.  But …

There it is… I’m lonely for someone—and really for a male friend—to support me… to be strength when I lack it.  And the religious answer is:  I’m looking for Jesus.

I think it’s more than just the religious answer… it’s the fact.  But just as some people say we’re supposed to be “Jesus with skin on” for others, it’s been a while since someone has been the “Jesus with skin on” for me.  I could really use that right about now.

In lieu of that, I’m asking God to help me have the strength to just trust him… to trust him as I used to (or preferably even better.)


I choose to trust you.  Help me feel again… help me feel all I need to feel.  Help me trust you to be enough for me—as the song says, “More than all I want more than all I need, you are more than enough for me”

Please lead me back to the place where you are “more than enough for me.”

And when the time is right and I can trust you again, please let me have another “Jesus with skin on.” They're really pretty helpful. :o)

I love you God, and you are my God (through it all)

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